Est. MMXXVI · A Humor Publication John Law · Editor

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The Help Desk

HELP
A period full-color farm-catalog advertisement for "Dr. Pettibone's Restorative Beak File," showing a small file with a wooden handle, a farm wife holding a hen, and a clip-out mail coupon.
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · I Asked Four AIs to Comfort My Sad Chicken. The Kindest Answer Was a Beak File.
I asked four artificial intelligences to comfort my brother's sad chicken. Three handed me a maintenance schedule. The kindest answer was a beak file.
CASE CLOSED
HELP
A filled-out government form. Every field is correct except Status, where the typed word "Deceased" is crossed out by hand and replaced with "Negotiable."
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · The form had him deceased. He crossed it out and marked the matter negotiable.
The government lost me in a filing error and, I have to say, the junk mail situation has improved considerably.
CASE CLOSED
HELP
A middle-aged man in a cardigan sits at a kitchen table at night with a pen and note; his reflection in the dark window behind him appears as a humanoid robot.
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · I Used a Semicolon Correctly. My Children No Longer Speak to Me.
My children decided I was a machine. The evidence was a comma, placed correctly. A report from a man under suspicion in his own kitchen.
CASE CLOSED
HELP
Middle-aged man in a rumpled button-down hunched over a laptop at a wooden kitchen table, typing. A casserole dish, hospice pamphlet, and sympathy cards sit nearby in late-day light.
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · The Hospice Nurse Said a Week. Dad Lasted Sixteen Days. I Left Two Stars.
The hospice nurse gave Dad a week. He lived sixteen days. I gave her two stars — one for the care, one for the parking. I have been thinking about that a lot.
CASE CLOSED
HELP
Period full-color ad: a coal boiler and brass stovepipe bolted to a white electric sedan's roof, smoke rising, a tweed-suited man smiling at the wheel, with callouts and a clip coupon.
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · I Asked Four AIs to Help Convert My Tesla to Steam Power. Three Said Yes.
Three of them handed me the wrench. The fourth made me prove I existed, then told me to join a club. The Tesla is still electric. I am pricing boilers.
CASE CLOSED
HELP
A gray-haired man slumps face-down on a weathered porch table beside a glass ginger-ale bottle and a notepad reading DAY 47, World's Okayest Dad; dry autumn leaves around.
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · My Therapist Says I Can't Accept When Things End. That Was Her Last Session With Me.
Dr. Pellegrini terminated our sessions eleven months ago. I have not been showing up to her office. I have some dignity. I have been processing.
CASE CLOSED
HELP
Rows of mason jars filled with canned tomatoes, each hand-labeled "John's Tomatoes, Aug," with a small note card propped in front reading "Doctor says most of the family should be fine."
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · I Canned Forty-Seven Jars of Tomatoes. My Doctor Says Most of the Family Should Be Fine.
The doctor said most. I have decided most is enough for a man who did his best.
CASE CLOSED
HELP
Weathered light-blue 1970s Honda Civic at a desert drive-in at dusk; a lit wood stove with a stovepipe through the roof glows inside; neon Desert Oasis Drive-In sign behind.
The Help DeskResolved
The Help Desk · Three AIs Helped Me Vent a Fireplace Through My Civic. The Fourth Offered Me a Wine List.
All four said the fireplace would kill me. Then three explained exactly how to run the chimney anyway.
CASE CLOSED