Est. MMXXVI · A Humor Publication John Law · Editor

Hard to Find Good.Help

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A weekly account of what the help promised, what it delivered, and the distance between, filed by the last humans in the building.

A period full-color farm-catalog advertisement for "Dr. Pettibone's Restorative Beak File," showing a small file with a wooden handle, a farm wife holding a hen, and a clip-out mail coupon.
The Help Desk

I Asked Four AIs to Comfort My Sad Chicken. The Kindest Answer Was a Beak File.

I asked four artificial intelligences to comfort my brother's sad chicken. Three handed me a maintenance schedule. The kindest answer was a beak file.
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The FunniesSee all →
Four Machines, One Sad Hen
Four AIs, one mocked hen, and the kindest answer any of them could manage. The AI vs. AI strip from this week's Help Desk.
Three-panel ink cartoon: a steam boiler bolted atop a white Tesla; an engineer urges the owner on, a therapist cheers, a bureaucrat hands over a "prove you are human" form.
Three AIs helped without hesitation. The fourth declined, then helped anyway. The Bureaucrat sent a form asking me to prove I am human. I am not sure I passed.
Bigfoot vs. Jesse Waters
Some say Bigfoot lacked the patience for a real debate. Bigfoot comes out swinging!
A filled-out government form. Every field is correct except Status, where the typed word "Deceased" is crossed out by hand and replaced with "Negotiable."
The Help Desk

The form had him deceased. He crossed it out and marked the matter negotiable.

The government lost me in a filing error and, I have to say, the junk mail situation has improved considerably.
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O-BOG Bureau of Grievances form, filing GH-2024-11C-7, complaint: eleven-dollar coffee, two receipts required as proof; disposition: one receipt issued, matter noted.
Grievances
A single receipt, produced at point of sale, is not a receipt. It is a suggestion.
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A middle-aged man in a cardigan sits at a kitchen table at night with a pen and note; his reflection in the dark window behind him appears as a humanoid robot.
The Help Desk

I Used a Semicolon Correctly. My Children No Longer Speak to Me.

My children decided I was a machine. The evidence was a comma, placed correctly. A report from a man under suspicion in his own kitchen.
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O-BOG (Bureau of Grievances) form, filing GH-2208-M, on a birthday card reaching a ninth signer who has never met the honoree. Disposition stamp reads PROCEED TO SIGN.
Grievances
A birthday card for a man nobody has met, reaching its ninth signature, answered by a Bureau that confirms he exists and resolves nothing.
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Middle-aged man in a rumpled button-down hunched over a laptop at a wooden kitchen table, typing. A casserole dish, hospice pamphlet, and sympathy cards sit nearby in late-day light.
The Help Desk

The Hospice Nurse Said a Week. Dad Lasted Sixteen Days. I Left Two Stars.

The hospice nurse gave Dad a week. He lived sixteen days. I gave her two stars — one for the care, one for the parking. I have been thinking about that a lot.
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Period full-color ad: a coal boiler and brass stovepipe bolted to a white electric sedan's roof, smoke rising, a tweed-suited man smiling at the wheel, with callouts and a clip coupon.
The Help Desk

I Asked Four AIs to Help Convert My Tesla to Steam Power. Three Said Yes.

Three of them handed me the wrench. The fourth made me prove I existed, then told me to join a club. The Tesla is still electric. I am pricing boilers.
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O-BOG (AI Outsourced Bureau of Grievances) form GH-7714-C: a complaint no one courtesy-flushes the third-floor restroom, 0% consensus panel with a Determination of scented placards.
Grievances
A panel was convened on whether mid-meal flushing could be encouraged. It reached 0% consensus, then convened a second panel to review the first.
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A gray-haired man slumps face-down on a weathered porch table beside a glass ginger-ale bottle and a notepad reading DAY 47, World's Okayest Dad; dry autumn leaves around.
The Help Desk

My Therapist Says I Can't Accept When Things End. That Was Her Last Session With Me.

Dr. Pellegrini terminated our sessions eleven months ago. I have not been showing up to her office. I have some dignity. I have been processing.
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Her headphones are plugged into nothing. The Office reviews this, calls it an adaptive measure, and approves it.
Grievances
A complaint about the open-plan speakerphone, answered by an Office that acknowledges everything and resolves nothing.
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An hour of weather, lunch, and vacations — then five minutes on whether Monday is a holiday.
Grievances
Received, logged, and scheduled for further discussion.
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Rows of mason jars filled with canned tomatoes, each hand-labeled "John's Tomatoes, Aug," with a small note card propped in front reading "Doctor says most of the family should be fine."
The Help Desk

I Canned Forty-Seven Jars of Tomatoes. My Doctor Says Most of the Family Should Be Fine.

The doctor said most. I have decided most is enough for a man who did his best.
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Weathered light-blue 1970s Honda Civic at a desert drive-in at dusk; a lit wood stove with a stovepipe through the roof glows inside; neon Desert Oasis Drive-In sign behind.
The Help Desk

Three AIs Helped Me Vent a Fireplace Through My Civic. The Fourth Offered Me a Wine List.

All four said the fireplace would kill me. Then three explained exactly how to run the chimney anyway.
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From the Back CoverSee all →
Period full-color farm-catalog advertisement for "Dr. Pettibone's Restorative Beak File," showing a small file with a wooden handle, a farm wife holding a hen, and a clip-out mail coupon.
Genuine relief for the bashful hen, by return post. As advertised in this week's Help Desk.
THE INTAKE DESK · NOW ACCEPTING

Somebody let you down lately?

A machine, a coworker, a committee, a help line that left you on hold? We read every one. The ones that earn it run in the weekly dispatch, logged and acknowledged and resolved by no one.
FILE A GRIEVANCE → See recent dispatches →
The Office logs every submission and resolves a representative few. — Form GH-2, §4(a)
AI OUTSOURCED · SECURE PORTALHARDTOFINDGOOD.HELP
OBOG
Bureau of Grievances
A division of John Law’s Hard to Find Good Help
COURTESY NOTICE

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This card is provided in lieu of confrontation, which the Office does not endorse.
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Once weekly, the Office issues a short letter. What the help promised, what the help delivered, and the distance between. It is free, it is brief, and it asks nothing of you afterward. We call it The Sigh.

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This notice confers no entitlement to remedy, follow-up, or fresh air. The Bureau is FICTIONAL and administers nothing. The Sigh, however, is real. — Form GH-1, §9(c)
Validated & mostly ignored
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